I Lost My Space - A Free-spirit's letter to me!

A deep breath is what I started this post with. A deep breath – helps me realize I still have some breathing space….some space at free-spirit to share and have my room too. Where I won’t be adjudged for being someone’s someone and the linkages thereafter.

Acceptance matters. I truly feel and have realized it many times before – that I have lost my space. And the best way to a good life – of course I mean peaceful life is to accept the fact of being a lone survivor in someone else’s place. Acceptance makes life easy, peaceful and beautiful. When there is no acceptance there is no peace.

Expectations kill. Yes, I do agree but my inner self always believed in expecting from self. And that always if followed by Self-belief. The self motivated me breaks down & gather herself to fight the battles of life. Professionally – I never had a problem. I was just able to tackle situations & people with efficacy.

Though on personal front – many a times, I got the feeling of being a complete failure. When I see around, I felt being trapped on a lonely island where no one can listen to you, see you, talk to you – forget about understanding you. I have everyone around still I have a fighting feeling of dejection & loneliness. I feel being the extra one. Called only when required, but the extra one is expected to be ready always. What a Pity! At times I think. I am a strong, happy, full of life – person. Did I say – I am? I was sounds more apt now. For now I have been constantly under pressure of someone’s expectation, social pressures and of being a good everything. That someone could be anyone as close as in family or as far as a business associate. There is no gratification left towards life. It’s just like a drummer on stage….need to beat it loud for others watching him. And no one cares – whether he loves what he is playing or not.

I thought of it as a problem. Yeah, being too practical & sensitive I did think that I should be checked but then I know the problems, I shall sort them out. And the bigger reason is - no one else even thinks there is a problem at all. It’s just my over-sensitivity, my immaturity, my selfishness and me being too ambitious.

A Devastate. More and more times I am being told – what a devastate I am. I have the capabilities to make others feel bad; dishonor them, not to accept their ways of life. But what worries me here is – Am I the only to accept here. Is anyone trying to accept me & my dreams here?

I am not Water. I wanted to say one thing. I am not water so I cannot immediately take the shape of its container. I am human. I did had 2 phases of life before this 3rd one, at home and second at the hostel. I am something. I am a free-spirit and I will take time in forgetting about that. Why am I supposed to leave my own self aside and be someone else that I am not?

I need to be cared. I have an urged to be cared for. Someone who shall stand by me always even at times if its for Social reasons. My mom – shall understand & talk to me like she used to do earlier. And not just about the new identity & its do’s & don’ts.

I shall be given my space. I need my space to dream big, to follow my heart, to believe in myself. My space to cry, smile, breathe and to live.

Dream Deadlock!

I believe in dreams. I always believed in dreams. Now-a-days I am struggling to keep them alive.

The life circumstances have been changing so that I am becoming nervous about my dreams. When I look back I realize, that I am struggling with a situation which is somewhat like - I dream, I plan and I resist. It’s like a struggle between dreams, wishes, aspirations and ambitions. Nothing is permanent and nothing will stay forever but we don’t stop working towards dream. There is conflict between my dreams-wishes and my ambitions-aspirations.

At times I am unhealthy and at times I am negative. There are two things attached to this statement. A bad health results in a step back from my ambitions-aspirations and the negativity disheartens me about my dreams. The continuity of both is resulting into a deadlock. There is lot of uncertainty about life and I am becoming cautious of my dreams I was certain of. There is war in my mind; not of right & wrong but of, this & that. I am fighting hard with my priorities and those of theirs. I am entering a Dreams Deadlock!

Nothing is stopping me but the circumstances. There is no hindrance but the expectations. There shall be no delays but I have lost the direction.

This is called Life and so far I am a die-hard optimist, fighting for the key to this deadlock of dreams. And here I would like to write those two lines which were momentary and still have so much of truth & depth – “Positivism resides in me, that’s why I am alive. But, I reside in negativity that’s why I am dying every moment”

Nothing is serious!!!!

Life a bed of roses. Having read a post by Ellen today morning, I have been wondering that Life is a bed of roses.

Did you say - not always??? Well it is indeed.

I liked saying that, as it leave me with a positive note. And otherwise also I hate myself for being negative at times when Life pushes me too much.
Life is a bed of roses. Only the color of roses keep changing. Remember, Roses are in white, pink, yellow, orange and red color. But don’t you miss the Black Rose. Similarly, life has got different colors and the situations & circumstances keep on giving it one and another shade thereafter. And then roses have horns too. That could be taken as a life’s decision to push one so hard that ultimately one bleeds.

I remember a brief conversation here, when I had asked about the well being of a friend and since its so recent, that my thoughts flew in that very direction when I pondered about Life & Roses.

Me: Hey how are you? You look sad. Is everything fine. I hope nothing is serious.
Friend: nothing serious......its just a change which is sometimes undesirable, expectations unmet and some general things giving a feeling of disrespect to myself, sometimes a little guilt and sometimes too many tears in my eyes confuse me about my existence.
But don’t you worry. Nothing is serious.

Now I am not worried, its just that I could not reach to an answer as to, how a rock solid person like my friend could end up fighting tears. A person so strong, tough headed, so learnt from life not to get welled up easily and now struggling to fight her own tears. This raises a question to me. Even though, I am told that she is determined to be happy (she says determined, not destined) I still feel some loss for this. Because some loss has happened to a person, to a soul, to someone’s respect and to someone’s trust. Also I have a feeling that may be she is taking it just too seriously and she doesn’t needs to. May be its because almost everybody feels that way.

People tend to take it so normally as nothing has happened. People don’t feel bad because they are used to of changes, yes I mean the undesired changes. They do not know the words dreams and expectations for their own self, they believe that its their duty to live up to the expectations & dreams of their surroundings and they are fine spending (did you read wasting) a life for this. Now still what is itching me here is, a strong headed, self-motivated, almost self-earned person is telling me that I pray to god for peace or to rest in peace. I did see tears in her eyes!

People who are change averse face this kind of a situation. I will be wrong to say this. I guess it happens when a self-driven person who has learned this art after too much of effort is been told to hand over the steering of life in someone else’s hands. And even then, is required to be a silent observer all through the ride.

I don’t know. I am myself trying to find out all these answers for my friend. I want her to be happy as always. She is my best friend who I always relied. I want her to be a free-spirit again.

I wish her more smiles. Amen!