Thursday, April 22, 2010

I Lost My Space - A Free-spirit's letter to me!


A deep breath is what I started this post with. A deep breath – helps me realize I still have some breathing space….some space at free-spirit to share and have my room too. Where I won’t be adjudged for being someone’s someone and the linkages thereafter.

Acceptance matters. I truly feel and have realized it many times before – that I have lost my space. And the best way to a good life – of course I mean peaceful life is to accept the fact of being a lone survivor in someone else’s place. Acceptance makes life easy, peaceful and beautiful. When there is no acceptance there is no peace.

Expectations kill. Yes, I do agree but my inner self always believed in expecting from self. And that always if followed by Self-belief. The self motivated me breaks down & gather herself to fight the battles of life. Professionally – I never had a problem. I was just able to tackle situations & people with efficacy.

Though on personal front – many a times, I got the feeling of being a complete failure. When I see around, I felt being trapped on a lonely island where no one can listen to you, see you, talk to you – forget about understanding you. I have everyone around still I have a fighting feeling of dejection & loneliness. I feel being the extra one. Called only when required, but the extra one is expected to be ready always. What a Pity! At times I think. I am a strong, happy, full of life – person. Did I say – I am? I was sounds more apt now. For now I have been constantly under pressure of someone’s expectation, social pressures and of being a good everything. That someone could be anyone as close as in family or as far as a business associate. There is no gratification left towards life. It’s just like a drummer on stage….need to beat it loud for others watching him. And no one cares – whether he loves what he is playing or not.

I thought of it as a problem. Yeah, being too practical & sensitive I did think that I should be checked but then I know the problems, I shall sort them out. And the bigger reason is - no one else even thinks there is a problem at all. It’s just my over-sensitivity, my immaturity, my selfishness and me being too ambitious.

A Devastate. More and more times I am being told – what a devastate I am. I have the capabilities to make others feel bad; dishonor them, not to accept their ways of life. But what worries me here is – Am I the only to accept here. Is anyone trying to accept me & my dreams here?

I am not Water. I wanted to say one thing. I am not water so I cannot immediately take the shape of its container. I am human. I did had 2 phases of life before this 3rd one, at home and second at the hostel. I am something. I am a free-spirit and I will take time in forgetting about that. Why am I supposed to leave my own self aside and be someone else that I am not?

I need to be cared. I have an urged to be cared for. Someone who shall stand by me always even at times if its for Social reasons. My mom – shall understand & talk to me like she used to do earlier. And not just about the new identity & its do’s & don’ts.

I shall be given my space. I need my space to dream big, to follow my heart, to believe in myself. My space to cry, smile, breathe and to live.

8 comments:

Ellen said...

That's some piece you've written. So many thoughts in there and it all points to one thing -- you're a normal human being. :-) Everybody can see themselves mirrored in you.

Lots of things for you to sort out there. Maybe you will be able to with some, and maybe too in some you won't. Sometimes the answers don't come when you need it. It'll come when it's ready for you.. or when you're ready for it. Weird huh?! :-)

Yup, breathe... long, deep, and easy. Connect with your core and try to find the Jigyasa who was before things transformed her into who she is now. :-)

My best wishes to you, dear friend. Take care always and God bless you.

Jack said...

Jigyasa,

Each one of us has to adopt to new situations as we grow up. There are some hurdles, real or perceived, which we need to overcome. You have the spirit, so see what and how can you adopt and make others too see your way.

Would you like to share what prompted this post?

Take care

Jigyasa said...

@ Ellen

As I always say....Thanks for being there! You are wonderful.

Take Care. Keep Smiling!

Jigyasa said...

@ Uncle Jack

Thanks for the kind words....but thats where my worry lies....when its about 2 people....each one of them shall adopt to new situations and not just one!

Rest I will share laterzz!

Bikram said...

Expectations Kill YEah they do.. either you are expecting things out of others , or someone is expecting out of you.. It seems we are always living for Expectations ..

Hmm LEt me tell you dear No one is the EXTRA one.. each of us has some meaning and a reason for being in this world. Good or bad i dont know But we do have a reason to being here...

First time here and I enjoyed reading this post of yours.. You have said some very true things in here... I wish life was simple and easy and there were not many hiccups in it ... But hey thats life ... :)

Jigyasa said...

@ Bikram

Welcome to my space.....I appreciate the re-iteration of the fact that - life won't be life without any hiccups!

Very true.....like I always say to my friends when they talk like freespirit in this post..., When life gives you a 100 reasons to cry...give life a thousand reasons to smile!

Keep Smiling!

sulagna ™ said...

jigyasa, i dont know if it started raining in Delhi or not...lekin, when it rains, just let it fall on your face, look up at the open sky and spread out your hands...you know at that point you will realise, this is life and nothing can beat this..nothing

Jigyasa said...

@ Sulagna

Yeah! Nothing can beat it. Though its still dry & hot in Delhi - but I have tried it many times & I trust you for it.

Thanks. Keep Smiling!