Thursday, April 22, 2010

I Lost My Space - A Free-spirit's letter to me!

A deep breath is what I started this post with. A deep breath – helps me realize I still have some breathing space….some space at free-spirit to share and have my room too. Where I won’t be adjudged for being someone’s someone and the linkages thereafter.

Acceptance matters. I truly feel and have realized it many times before – that I have lost my space. And the best way to a good life – of course I mean peaceful life is to accept the fact of being a lone survivor in someone else’s place. Acceptance makes life easy, peaceful and beautiful. When there is no acceptance there is no peace.

Expectations kill. Yes, I do agree but my inner self always believed in expecting from self. And that always if followed by Self-belief. The self motivated me breaks down & gather herself to fight the battles of life. Professionally – I never had a problem. I was just able to tackle situations & people with efficacy.

Though on personal front – many a times, I got the feeling of being a complete failure. When I see around, I felt being trapped on a lonely island where no one can listen to you, see you, talk to you – forget about understanding you. I have everyone around still I have a fighting feeling of dejection & loneliness. I feel being the extra one. Called only when required, but the extra one is expected to be ready always. What a Pity! At times I think. I am a strong, happy, full of life – person. Did I say – I am? I was sounds more apt now. For now I have been constantly under pressure of someone’s expectation, social pressures and of being a good everything. That someone could be anyone as close as in family or as far as a business associate. There is no gratification left towards life. It’s just like a drummer on stage….need to beat it loud for others watching him. And no one cares – whether he loves what he is playing or not.

I thought of it as a problem. Yeah, being too practical & sensitive I did think that I should be checked but then I know the problems, I shall sort them out. And the bigger reason is - no one else even thinks there is a problem at all. It’s just my over-sensitivity, my immaturity, my selfishness and me being too ambitious.

A Devastate. More and more times I am being told – what a devastate I am. I have the capabilities to make others feel bad; dishonor them, not to accept their ways of life. But what worries me here is – Am I the only to accept here. Is anyone trying to accept me & my dreams here?

I am not Water. I wanted to say one thing. I am not water so I cannot immediately take the shape of its container. I am human. I did had 2 phases of life before this 3rd one, at home and second at the hostel. I am something. I am a free-spirit and I will take time in forgetting about that. Why am I supposed to leave my own self aside and be someone else that I am not?

I need to be cared. I have an urged to be cared for. Someone who shall stand by me always even at times if its for Social reasons. My mom – shall understand & talk to me like she used to do earlier. And not just about the new identity & its do’s & don’ts.

I shall be given my space. I need my space to dream big, to follow my heart, to believe in myself. My space to cry, smile, breathe and to live.